My update on Doing The Most

I've been focusing on structure and routine to curb my despair. Here's how it's going.

Sometimes, Doing The Most means eating a Stouffer’s mac n’ cheese with broccoli dinner while you write your monthly newsletter.

When I debuted Crygest in January, I wrote about my desire to have more rituals.

I did this with the hope that infusing more intention and repetition into my day-to-day life would help me feel less anxious, more purposeful, and generally more content.

My dear Crybabies, I’m happy to report that the rituals are in fact working. I feel more energized and purposeful than I have in months. Maybe there’s something to being a rigid bitch, after all.

Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist and dating coach who I’ve had the pleasure of once interviewing, explained how our increasing access to on-demand services like DoorDash, Netflix, and dating apps has led to a loss in appreciation of delayed gratification.

“I’m not complaining! I love my on-demand TV and fast WiFi. I’m waiting for pad thai as I type this,” Ury wrote in one of her recent newsletters. She continued:

But the cost of all this instant gratification indulgence is that we expect all aspects of life — including dating — to work the same way. We expect dating to be easy, fast, and on our terms. We look for instant chemistry and partners who fit perfectly into our busy lives.

I think the same can be said for our collective increasing expectation for instant happiness, belonging, validation, success, and even perfection in our work, friendships, communities, and family dynamics. Online, we see others’ glitzy vacations, pristine homes, career and family milestones, and brand new clothes. But we rarely get to witness the longterm resilience of these people’s minds and bodies, the disappointments they had to overcome. Nor do we recognize that overcoming difficult moments does not assure us material rewards.

But overcoming difficult moments through action — striving, if you will — comes with an internal reward that no TikTok or Instagram post can convey. That’s why I decided I needed more ritual, more routine, in my life. I was sick of hoping to feel fulfilled, tired of thinking One day, it will happen.

Rituals, I believe, can shake us out of this internet culture-induced trance. Rituals force us to slow down and focus on process rather than immediate outcome. They require a level of emotional fortitude and physical work brought on by mental strength. Rituals can only exist if the person doing them shows up, acts, learns, adjusts as needed, and repeats the process.

So I took stock of the things that make me feel icky, like scrolling on Instagram and being a bi-weekly Amazon customer. I also zeroed in on the stuff that makes me feel purposeful or, at the very least, engaged in the physical world: Reading from pages I can touch, shopping at small businesses where I can ask for recommendations in person, making art, and collaborating with people who have shared interests and values.

Since January, I’ve read three books that had words and sentences so beautiful, I spontaneously cried upon reading them. I met another Substack writer who I admire, and we’ve been working on “Yellowjackets” essay together that I can’t wait for you to read soon. I deleted the Amazon and Doordash apps off of my phone and instead saved a chunk of that impulse-purchase money for few home projects. I conceived of a new Crygest every month this year so far, wrote my ideas into existence, and published them. And I started coaching youth soccer in my neighborhood, which has been a delightful practice in taking initiative and trying new things, even when I feel anxious and uncertain.

Of course, these little processes and activities can only serve us to an extent. Every few days, regardless of my newfound rituals, I still find myself in emotional pain over the state of our country and our world. I can be with great company for hours yet I still often yearn for the ability to sleep my life away until things feel more normal, more manageable, again.

But that’s not possible. That’s not real life. So I force myself to come back to these outward acts, these rituals. In my moments of despair, it’s my discipline that keeps my sense of hope tended to.

I’d love to know: What rituals are helping you feel better right now?

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Fuck, That’s Good

✨ A brief list of content that fed me this month ✨

WTF Is Spiritual Care for the Non-Religious | An episode of the Culture Study podcast by journalist Anne-Helen Petersen, featuring guest expert Vanessa Zoltan who is currently teaching a class at Harvard on the subject

Headphones On | A perfect pop-R&B song by Addison Rae that I’ll have on repeat until September. The music video is also super fun.

Yellowjackets - Season 3 | WHAT A FINALE. I have an essay collaboration looking at fan-favorite character Natalie coming soon, so stay tuned for that!